I haven't been on here in months.
I'm still working at the vet clinic, I was asked if I can prolong my stay, about 4 times now, and now my boss wants me to work until April or longer.
Sure this is good money wise, and the work I do there is just cleaning so it's not super stressful either.
My translation gigs have been picking up, but slowly.
I was told that what I do now ( the gigs ) isn't a "job" and that it never can be, since I don't do enough gigs.
So, basically, I kind of feel lost and out of place in this life.
If what I do is not a job, and if it never can be, even if it feels like a job to me, I feel I have no reason to even continue these gigs etc.
But, maybe I cannot function 100% with a full-time job, but that's why I do these gigs, I do what I can do, and I do my best while doing it.
I may not have a proper "job", sure, but I still make some cash on the side, so in a way, this is still a job for me.
I sound like a broken record.
I was just really hurt when I was told this.
He said how I'm childish, and that I sound desperate, wanting something in my life that I currently am doing, to be a "job" of some sort.
He knows I cannot function at times when under stress, let alone comprehend conversations..but he also thinks I can do it, and that I just need to change my attitude.
I try to function under stress, and even a tiny bit can make me feel like my head's under water. But I guess that is where I need to suck it up and just do it, which I do in the end.
I have a difficult time understanding things that are said to me, even with my gigs or at the vets.
And this makes me feel extremely stupid, because I comprehend things in a different way, it makes me feel so abnormal and out of place in this world.
I'm just hoping that reading more again will help all this stress deteriorate, about being an adult yet not functioning like one should, or at least trying to slowly, not being able to comprehend the simplest things.. just stress and trying to overcome negativity.
I just feel so alone.
They say that you're never alone with books. I hope I can find a book that can make me feel this way, just once.