Implode

Temptation strikes again.

I think I`m already in.

 

I feel it come back.

Urging me to shed the fat

That I`ve neglected for too long.

 

Memories oaf him and I

Torment my mind and body.

 

I`m tired of this game.

Starving for your affection.

Bleeding for redemption.

 

You still don`t see.

 

You left me with the burden

With the guilt

The shame

 

Of not being able to control these feelings I have for you.

I hate you.

I love you.

 

I miss you.

I never want to see you.

 

When will you let me go.

When will this all be over.

 

When will you step up and tell me the truth

The reasons to why you forced me in to the shower that night.

 

Tell me you wanted it.

Because you could`t take my “no” as an answer.

 

I feel pathetic writing about you like this.

Why can`t I just cut you out of my life

Like you did to me back then.

 

Why does starving sound so peaceful

Whenever I`m overwhelmed

By your threatening words

And actions.

 

You`ll never admit to the truth.

You`re just too damn proud

of giving to charity.

Being the good guy.

 

You`re only making it harder for me.

 

I wish I had the guts to ask you if you can ask for forgiveness.

But, even if I did

I know you`ll never succumb to your

guilt.

 

I fear ruining your career by asking you.

You really put me in a fucked up situation

that I`ve ben holding

for too long.

 

I`ve imploded.

 

I`m fighting with my self.

You made me feel this way.

And I know you`ll never stop it

or realize

or even care.

 

Tell me if I`m childish for not being able to forget.

Tell me again,

that I am fucked up and seeking attention for starving myself

Or for accusing you.

 

I`m tired of this game with myself

Of self destructive acts.

Yet I need it to keep moving on from you.

 

I hope someday.

Maybe on your deathbed.

 

You`ll finally gain the courage to say

“I`m sorry”.