Seventeen

I hear the water
As I stand in the shower
I feel the water running down my hair.

My anxiety starts to subside.

Suddenly the light goes out.
Darkness envelopes my thoughts.

I hear the shower door slide open
I see his shadow

Large figure looming toward me.
Well aware of what he is about to do to me.

He tells me to face away
Towards the wall

I do
Slowly

My heart skips a few beats.

Time stops
And I feel like I've died.

He touches me in ways I never wanted him to.

I didm't ask for this.
I didm't want him touching me.

I could't move.
I was paralyzed

He told me to not tell mother
To not tell anyone.

He threatened me
A couple of years later
after I confronted him.

I feel weak and vulnerable
All over again.

I'm 17 again,
And covered in the first cuts I've sliced in to my skin.
Coping with what he did.

I keep thinking I should be gratful that he never did it again.

But
I can't help feeling trapped
Even till this day.

I have still kept our secret.
I still feel he won this fight.

Fear of ruining my loved ones lives
His deadly threats
Prevented me from speaking the truth.

It's too late to seek justice.
I lost my one chance.

I wonder
How much longer can I really stay quiet.

And if I do tell them.
Would it even matter to them?
I know my mother didn't care.

I guess it's wishful thinking.

I need to continue coping.
Not by bleeding this time-
But by using the memories and hurt.

Write
Read.

Learn to be stronger than a person
who would shun their loved one from their life.
Because he is afraid to see the truth.

I will always still love you.
But I will take what you've done
To the grave with me.