My Quiet Place

I feel the rush of existance
it once brought me so long ago
I long to feel alive again 
to have the fleeting moment of ecstasy

I tap into my soul
it starts to unfold 
as I let it take me there

Everything is lost 
and yet emotions are strong

As I let my sanity
wander into oblivion
I am sold

I sell myself to all that lies within me- 
emptiness, lust, desire, longings 
of needing to feel wanted and alive

I slide another blade down my skin
as red pours over me
I let myself feel soothed
and stay in the stillness I call home

I know
without a doubt 
that you'll never leave me

I'm a shard of glass Splintered in to everyone's lives Once I implode Once depression swallows me whole My mind goes blank I feel nothing but emptiness And acts of self harm swarm inside my heart When will I feel like I'm enough When will it all cease to exist When can I feel unshadowed by this darkness Words are what truly saved me Despite all the harmful acts I'd put upon myself Written words became my voice I couldn't vocalize Words broke me down And then recreated me I will continue to live and breathe words

Words can empower us
It can break us and devour our hearts
Until we're cold as stone

Words
Poetry, fictional stories
are all lifelines to our souls

To help reconnect with each other
To heal the wounded and broken

We are reborn through words
both hurtful and heartfelt

I write to remind myself
That I am never alone
That I can make it through this
I can conquer my darkest fears and its lies

I will prevail

You created my darkness
You created my sexuality

I'm stable
I'm uncontrollable
I'm a slut in disguise
What no one else can see

I'm a child
weeping to be heard

I'm a prostitute
Seeking vengeance
love
and acceptance

I know it's all in my head
The aftermath of the hurt you've made me endure
But I can't find a cure

I'm at an end
Nothing can save me

Alone
I'll forever feel alone

You feed my soul, like how books feed the mind :p

Your words flow in and out of my mind
and goes straight into my heart

Time has stoped
and all I know
is that we were meant to be

Our silluettes
clashing with the sparks
we feel in our hearts

Stardusts
all iridescent
swirl around us
invisible to the naked eye

You will forever be the reason
why I've stayed alive.

I may not be able to draw
But I can paint a drawing

in your mind with words

I’m slipping  through the cracks again.
But hope tells me to hold on

I wonder if someday
I can weave myself
in and out of my mind

Vivid images
still seared deep inside

Some days I wonder
if I was really meant to stay alive

Lately I've been doing more random gigs and also regular ones. (e.g. lyrics translation from one of my main, and long-term clients).

Been working like crazy at the vets due to an employee suddenly leaving as well.
I'm really looking forward to whenever my vet shifts subside... 

But doing all these shifts also makes me appreciate my translation gigs even more.
And I know I will never take sitting down, drinking hot tea and relaxing despite not being able to be that social, for granted ever again. (not that I ever did).

While working all these shifts at the vets, It's made me realize just how much translation work suits me. 

I have the freedom to choose the gigs I want to do, and I get to work at any time of the day that I like. 
 
I have been thinking of trying to specialize in a field.
I'd LOVE to specialize in lyrics translation, but maybe this is too unrealistic, since I don't really have any degree from college, and solely experience translating lyrics now for maybe close to 2 years, and this is all thanks to a single client who I was fortunate enough to recieve an email from, asking if I can accept his awesome, dream-like gig. 

I also have some experience translating short stories and Japanese manga, so, I won't mind trying to specialize in this field either. 

More than anything, I would like to explore more gigs, and read a bit more as well, since I haven't been able to read that much these days. 

Translation gigs have been 0 these days, on the other hand, my vet job has been picking up.
I will be doing full shifts again, once a week, plus a few half shifts once or two times a week, starting next month.
Half days are 8 hours ( i know that's a full-shift in other occupations ), and a full-shift is 12 hours.
I recall working full-shifts being painful, always going home with a backache, and going to sleep after dinner..
But I will obtain more money, and that's always a good thing. :)

Lately, I have been thinking of continuing to work as a Veterinary Assistant even when I move to the US again.
I prefer working at small clinics than a large hospital, but maybe larger hospitals will have shorter shifts. Hm.

Being a Vet Assistant is a daily challenge, and it really becomes a part of your life, in a way, it's not just "a job".- you deal with saving lives, and nurturing and caring for wounded or sick pets.

For now, I am just taking it shift by shift.
I'll have worked at the clinic for an year when it's June. Time flies.
I know I hated it before, constantly cleaning etc. But I learned that it was a stepping stone for me to become a VA in training. We all have to start somewhere after all. :)
So, since I became a Vet Assistant, I have been enjoying my job a lot more.
Some days, I wash dogs and trim their coats, other days I assist in surgery (which I've always been interested in ever since I was a kid, watching 'Emergency Vets' in the US).
But most days I am cleaning cages, syringes, exam room tables, observe the vet during examinations and help when he needs me, etc. , plus what I've mentioned above. 

It can be pressuring, which can be difficult for me to remain calm, especially when I am not sure what to give the vet when he needs a tool for example, ( still learning names of the equipments in Japanese), but it is also a job that helps me grow as a person.
Most days are typical, but other days, I can do amazing things, like bottle feeding a sick kitten, which was my dream "job", and kind of still is.
And the fact that I was able to experience this again ( i cared for an abandoned kitten a few years ago when I was a student at a Japanese Language School in Tokyo ), was a dream come true. 

I feel with time and determination to learn more, I feel I can do this, I can try becoming a better Vet Assistant. 
In the long run, I just have to learn everything in English.. hah. But I feel it would feel easier to learn this way to be honest, even if I am bilingual :p 

I haven't been on here in months.
I'm still working at the vet clinic, I was asked if I can prolong my stay, about 4 times now, and now my boss wants me to work until April or longer.
Sure this is good money wise, and the work I do there is just cleaning so it's not super stressful either.

My translation gigs have been picking up, but slowly.
I was told that what I do now ( the gigs ) isn't a "job" and that it never can be, since I don't do enough gigs.
So, basically, I kind of feel lost and out of place in this life.
If what I do is not a job, and if it never can be, even if it feels like a job to me, I feel I have no reason to even continue these gigs etc.
But, maybe I cannot function 100% with a full-time job, but that's why I do these gigs, I do what I can do, and I do my best while doing it. 

I may not have a proper "job", sure, but I still make some cash on the side, so in a way, this is still a job for me.
I sound like a broken record.
I was just really hurt when I was told this.
He said how I'm childish, and that I sound desperate, wanting something in my life that I currently am doing, to be a "job" of some sort.
He knows I cannot function at times when under stress, let alone comprehend conversations..but he also thinks I can do it, and that I just need to change my attitude. 

I try to function under stress, and even a tiny bit can make me feel like my head's under water. But I guess that is where I need to suck it up and just do it, which I do in the end.

I have a difficult time understanding things that are said to me, even with my gigs or at the vets.
And this makes me feel extremely stupid, because I comprehend things in a different way, it makes me feel so abnormal and out of place in this world.

I'm just hoping that reading more again will help all this stress deteriorate, about being an adult yet not functioning like one should, or at least trying to slowly, not being able to comprehend the simplest things.. just stress and trying to overcome negativity.
I just feel so alone.
They say that you're never alone with books. I hope I can find a book that can make me feel this way, just once.  

  A publishing company that publishes children's comic books in the US (i.e. Minecraft Series) messaged me via Fiverr last night, and asked me if I was interested in working with them. They then sent me a sample text of what I'd be working with, and I sent the translated text back to them today.
 Still not sure if this will turn out to be a long-term gig, but, even if it's a short-term job, it'll still be great experience for me and it'll definitely expand my skills as a freelancer.

  It's getting much colder here in Nagoya, but luckily, besides my part-time job at the vet clinic once a week, ( my job there finishes for good at the end of December!) for the rest of the week, I get to stay indoors drinking hot tea, relaxing,  and work on my gigs. 
 

  Anywhere we move to in the future, ( or visit for vacation,  always take my work with me ) I won't have to worry about applying for boring waitressing jobs anymore. :p  

 Who knew you don't always need a college degree to be happy with your life!

I am so fuckin' content with my life. <3 
And to think this is my lifelong career now... :)